Its Mental Health awareness week here in the UK and this years theme is Body Image – how we think and feel about our bodies. This is so relevant to my IBS journey that I want to spread awareness of the mental health issues experienced by IBS sufferers. I’m speaking from first hand experience here but I know how widespread the problem is.

For those of you who have read ‘My Story’ (see menu), you will know that I got to a point of not wanting to continue with the life I had. In my head that meant two things, 1. Try to find a solution to my problems or 2. End life. That may come across as very matter of fact but the reality was that I had thought about it almost every day. I became aware that it wasn’t because I didn’t want to live with my symptoms, it was because my symptoms were making me feel worthless and hollow inside added to the feeling of helplessness and the depression slowly seeps in.

When did my mental health begin to decline?

My symptoms were so sporadic and unpredictable that I started to fear being away from the toilet so everywhere I went I would have to know where they were. If there weren’t going to be any toilets then I simply wouldn’t go. This ruled out a lot of mindfulness environments such as, hills, tracks & trails, Lakes, remote beaches, coastal routes and also the link to those places, the motorway. Travelling in the car was my worst nightmare. I remember my brother telling me not to worry because there are toilets everywhere. Most people wouldn’t understand that when your gut thinks it’s under attack and flushes water in to deal with the offenders, your body is going to want to get those offenders out (and the water) with great urgency. A great deal of pain comes along with the flushing so its all very visually embarrassing. Making it to the toilet is a huge risk so having one close by is the only peace of mind.

When you live your life like this it becomes very isolating. You need your friends to support you and understand what you’re going through but that’s not always the case and its no ones fault.

How did my mental health decline?

Imagine getting an invite to a friends party and you really want to go, you like everyone who’s going and its going to be a great laugh. Just what you need as life has been pretty rough. You accept the invitation but a few days leading up to the party you start to feel anxious about the toilet situation at the venue. Is it a shared toilet? What if I have an attack? People will know it was me in the toilet. What if there’s a queue and I don’t get there in time? What if I have an accident, I’ll be a laughing stock! My life would be over………I better cancel, I can’t risk it.

What I have just described is fear! The fear is making me anxious and the anxiety is upsetting my stomach. Life is hopeless! I can’t win! Enter depression.

The thing about depression is you withdraw from socialising and ultimately your friends. The close ones will spot it and try to help but you just want to be left alone. The invitations stop coming and suddenly you haven’t seen certain friends for months and its becoming awkward. Not that you can deal with it because you’re dealing with bigger issues.

This is an insight into how my mental health declined. Not one isolated incident but a prolonged period of avoiding social situations. I think my family would be offended to know this but I felt so anxious about social occasions with them, I would make myself so ill with worry that I would be housebound anyway and cancel.

Why didn’t other people understand?

Simply because I didn’t tell them! In addition to isolating yourself from other people you can isolate yourself with your thoughts. Theres a lot of discussion going on in your head and you’re, quite frankly, fed up of talking about it. The thought of going through it with someone else made me feel exhausted.

Some friends and family knew how much I was suffering but I didn’t discuss it with them enough for them to know it wasn’t just a physical problem but I was struggling on an emotional level too.

I now know how wrong it is to keep your thoughts bottled up inside you. If people don’t know how you’re feeling, how are they meant to know how to treat you? You wouldn’t walk into a doctors surgery and expect them to know what is wrong with you without saying a word so we shouldn’t treat our friends and family like this.

Why didn’t I want people to know about my suffering?

To put it simply, IBS is an embarrassing illness and I couldn’t handle being embarrassed. I see comedy routines on television based around IBS and everyone laughs as if it’s the funniest thing on earth. Thats quite difficult to witness when it’s ruined your life. There are even people out there who think its all in your mind! (see my blog post on the subject)

What other mental health issues can IBS cause?

Theres no end to the emotional torture IBS brings. I particularly suffered with brain fog. I was unable to concentrate or focus on any one thing. I began to think I was stupid and ultimately worthless. I stopped wearing nice clothes and jewellery. I had become someone who purely lived to fear IBS symptoms.

I remember my first panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack. It came out of nowhere. I was walking home and suddenly had the dreaded worry of ‘what if I needed the toilet?’. I didn’t have any tummy pain but the thought was there. I suddenly felt short of breath and sweaty. The more I tried to push the thought away the worse I was feeling until I reached a neighbours house at which point I felt like I was gong to pass out. My neighbour was amazing, knew straight away I was having a panic attack and helped me to calm down. I felt so ridiculous after, another reason to be down on my self.

Another thing I’ve struggled with is losing my identity. Dressing to hide a bloated tummy meant not dressing in my style. Not being able to go to the places I loved instead being seen as a ‘home bird’. Being unable to work away from the house really took away my professional persona. I was a completely different person through no fault of my own.

How did I improve my mental health?

With IBS, it’s the physical symptoms that cause the anxiety so I knew I had to start there.

January 2017, I started a mindfulness diary, it helped to set out my goals for the year and plan the action required to achieve them. This diary was also full of inspirational quotes and every week you would have to write about your successes, no matter how small.

My main goal for the year was to sort out my stomach issues so I was able to travel.

I went to my GP and explained everything. The pain I endured daily, the persistent and urgent diarrhoea, constantly feeling drained, the colds and infections, being unable to leave the house most days and now the fear of leaving the house and social situations.

My GP was quite shocked at the extent of my suffering and said she had one other patient whose symptoms were on a par with mine and that patient didn’t leave the house, ever! I was sent for lots of tests, colonoscopy, endoscopy, hydrogen breath test and various blood tests. This was over a period of around 6 months. All tests were negative. I was tested for coeliac disease which I was sure I had but it came back negative. I later found out that unless you’ve digested gluten leading up to the test then it won’t prove positive for Coeliac disease. As I’d eliminated gluten at the start of the year, this test is inconclusive in my mind although no medical professional flagged it up.

With NHS tests exhausted, my GP arranged a workshop with a leading UK gastroenterologist on the subject of IBS for a group of her patients. I waited another six months for a date only to find out this particular doctor was ill and unable to continue working. Anyway, my GP went to a new surgery and that was that.

That was 2017.

The start of 2018 I had a new determination and although I’d exhausted all of the NHS capabilities, I decided to throw some money at finding a solution and I’m glad I did!

The first time I heard the word FODMAP was in a consultation with a Yorktest dietitian. She was absolutely certain a low FODMAP diet was the right solution for me. I was willing to try anything so I did a LOT of research and started the elimination stage of the diet. It was hard to begin with as the NHS told me there weren’t any IBS dieticians available to me but I worked it all out and the results were almost instant. I couldn’t believe it. My healthy diet packed with vegetables was actually making me ill. Who’d have thought it. More to the point, with all the doctors I’ve seen over the years why have none of them asked me about my diet or even suggested the Low FODMAP diet?

But that doesn’t answer how you improved your mental health?!

I know, bear with me 🙂 Its a bit long winded I know but essential to get the point across that its a whole ‘YOU’ solution not just one element.

Once my physical health started to improve, the fear started to subside slightly. I felt like I could live again and in turn this gave me hope. The depression lifted to an extent that I was starting to feel more like myself.

The problem was, despite being able to manage my symptoms, I still felt anxious in social situations and would go through the usual panic that was so familiar to me.

At this stage I sought help for my anxiety and turned to the wonderful Charles Linden who developed The Linden Method for anxiety recovery. For me, living with unpleasant symptoms and withdrawing from life because of them was the catalyst for the deterioration of my mental health. Environmental factors are so important to your wellbeing that you need to ensure you’re in the correct environment for you.

The Linden method teaches you to go back to basics and start living again without anxiety ruling your life. It sounds simple but with daily planning and a healthy mindful lifestyle you can overcome your mental health problems and live the life you deserve.

I feel very lucky to have recovered from a very dark period of my life. There were times I felt I was unable to cope and times when it was all too much but I knew that as long as I stayed alive I had a chance of getting through it.

It’s so important to talk about how you’re feeling! Talk to everyone you can and eventually someone will understand and inspire you to make steps towards recovery. Don’t research your symptoms too much or try to work out why you’re suffering, instead spend that time researching how you can help yourself to feel better. You can’t change how you got there but you can dictate where you go next.

Think about how far I’ve come to recovery my mental health……I went from fearing people would find out I suffered with IBS to telling the world all about my journey and sharing my recovery in a daily blog. When you reach the depths of despair, its not the end, you can recover!

If you’re still reading to this point then I can assume you can relate to what I’m saying. If you want to talk please get in touch either by commenting here or private message, I’m a good listener and if I can help in any way I certainly will.

Look after yourselves and your loved ones x